Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Survivor guilt

Tonight, I was out at a restaurant with my mom and my two overly-tired and very crabby children. As I was hustling to get everyone's plate of food prepared, cut up, cooled off, and ready-to-eat, I saw it. The lady dining with her husband at the table next to us was staring right at us, and I saw it. You know the look? THAT look? In her eyes I saw what I quickly dismissed as annoyance. But as we sat there, I noticed again and again that she was looking at my kids with....longing.

This woman was older than I am. I'd guess late 40's. Anyway, she was obviously past her child bearing years. And as I watched her, watching heart was breaking for her. She never said a word to us. She never once cracked a smile at their adorableness. She stopped talking to her husband, and a dark cloud of silence settled over their table.

I wanted to say something...anything. I wanted to scream as loudly as I could, "I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! I'M ONE OF YOU!" But, I guess I'm not. I'm no longer part of the sad and silent sisterhood of Infertiles. I've now become one of those busy and distracted moms who I used to look at in just the same way.

I am so thankful and overjoyed, every day, at what God has done in healing me and giving me these two beautiful children! But not a day goes by that I don't remember the pain we experienced on the journey. I still miss the baby we lost, and although the tears have stopped flowing, I think of her all the time. I remember peeing on stick after stick, praying that I would see TWO pink lines, and I remember the pain and heartbreak of month after month, year after year, facing disappointment once again.

I marvel sometimes how the mere act of waiting so long to become a mother changed me forever. It left my heart with gaping wounds and thick, ugly scars that only the grace of God and the sweet kisses of my babies could heal. Even on their worst day, those precious children are like a salve to my very soul. I never knew love could be like this. So fierce and so's almost terrifying.

But oh, it was so worth the wait.

1 comment:

  1. I continue to be that women in the resturant, all though I work hard at not letting the "dark cloud" of childlessness settle over my life. It would serve no purpose and it would let the enemy think he had one in this area of my life. Instead I make a choice to trust God no matter what, and still believe Lord willing, one day somehow my hearts desire to be a mother will happen. So my journey continues with no answer in sight but God knows and I trust him no matter what. Because no matter what happens I know that it will be worth the wait.