Blessed in the Mess!

Survivor guilt

2010-04-21T01:16:00.003-05:00

Tonight, I was out at a restaurant with my mom and my two overly-tired and very crabby children. As I was hustling to get everyone's plate of food prepared, cut up, cooled off, and ready-to-eat, I saw it. The lady dining with her husband at the table next to us was staring right at us, and I saw it. You know the look? THAT look? In her eyes I saw what I quickly dismissed as annoyance. But as we sat there, I noticed again and again that she was looking at my kids with....longing.

This woman was older than I am. I'd guess late 40's. Anyway, she was obviously past her child bearing years. And as I watched her, watching them...my heart was breaking for her. She never said a word to us. She never once cracked a smile at their adorableness. She stopped talking to her husband, and a dark cloud of silence settled over their table.

I wanted to say something...anything. I wanted to scream as loudly as I could, "I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! I'M ONE OF YOU!" But, I guess I'm not. I'm no longer part of the sad and silent sisterhood of Infertiles. I've now become one of those busy and distracted moms who I used to look at in just the same way.

I am so thankful and overjoyed, every day, at what God has done in healing me and giving me these two beautiful children! But not a day goes by that I don't remember the pain we experienced on the journey. I still miss the baby we lost, and although the tears have stopped flowing, I think of her all the time. I remember peeing on stick after stick, praying that I would see TWO pink lines, and I remember the pain and heartbreak of month after month, year after year, facing disappointment once again.

I marvel sometimes how the mere act of waiting so long to become a mother changed me forever. It left my heart with gaping wounds and thick, ugly scars that only the grace of God and the sweet kisses of my babies could heal. Even on their worst day, those precious children are like a salve to my very soul. I never knew love could be like this. So fierce and so intense...it's almost terrifying.

But oh, it was so worth the wait.

Hi, I've missed you!

2010-02-26T20:00:00.002-06:00

How is it possible that, despite best intentions, we turn our attention from something for what seems just a moment, and suddenly it's been nearly two months since my last blog post??

Well. Things have been pretty busy here. We spent a good part of January battling a nasty upper respiratory infection that snaked its way through our house and left both kids with double ear infections. With this, we discovered that Reagan had a reaction to the amoxicillin...so we're going to be pursuing some allergy testing for her in the near future to be sure.

Anthony's parents and brothers came into town at the beginning of February, and spent 3 weeks with us. It was so great for them to finally get a chance to meet Reagan, and to spend some more time with Eoin. Needless to say, he's really changed a lot since the last time they saw him--he was 13 months old then! They just left Kansas City on Wednesday, and we're slowly adjusting and getting the kids used to being home alone (and bored!) with just Mommy and Daddy.

Eoin is talking up a storm these days, and as a matter of fact, never stops talking from the moment he wakes in the morning, until the moment he drifts off to sleep at night. He loves to give the play by play for every. single. thing. he does during the day...it's hysterical! Maddening, but hysterical. LOL I swear the kid definitely has the gift of gab!

Reagan is 9 1/2 months now, and is trying her hardest to learn to walk. She has a baby walker that she uses to go EVERYWHERE now, and she is *this* close to taking off on her own! She did take two steps a couple of days ago, but I didn't get a chance to see it. She was standing at the raised fireplace hearth playing, and she turned around, took two steps and then fell. My Mother In Law was privileged enough to see it firsthand, though, and was thrilled! :)

We're still dying in the middle of winter here in KC, and can't wait for the spring thaw! Puxatawnie Phil promised us it was right around the corner...right?

2009-12-31T08:06:00.001-06:00

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
I became a mommy to a perfect little girl.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Nope. And yeah, I probably will...even though I never keep them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yeah! I gave birth to Reagan, my cousin gave birth to Austin, another cousin's wife gave birth to Hudson, and another cousin gave birth to Drew.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my Grandma and my Uncle Bill.

5. What countries did you visit?
This year, I stayed home with my babies, and never even got out of Kansas City. We sent Anthony back home to Ireland for a visit all by himself.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More financial security, a cleaner house (and a maid LOL), and more patience with my kids.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Easy. May 15, 2009...Reagan Elisabeth Siobhan Breen was born! :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Learning to juggle the demands of having two little ones who need so much of my time and attention, while still giving each of them the one-on-one time that they need.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I can't keep on top of housework and laundry to save my life.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, although the last trimester of my pregnancy was pretty rough. And of course, I had a C-Section.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
All things pink! Shopping for little girl clothes makes me very, very happy!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Eoin! He has demonstrated such kindness and love toward his new little sister, and has handled the transition from being an only child to being a big brother with such grace! I'm so proud of him!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Our Congressmen and Senators.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage, diapers, food, gas, utilities...I don't know, but it seems to just slip through our fingers these days.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
January 2, 2009....the day we found out we were having a little GIRL!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Twinkle twinkle little star...it's by far Reagan's favorite!

17.Compared to this time last year, are you:
a. happier or sadder? happier
b. thinner or fatter? thinner, I'm not pregnant! LOL
c. richer or poorer? poorer, but it's totally worth it!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
working out. organizing. keeping in touch with my friends. praying for my husband and kids.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
arguing over stupid stuff and worrying about things I can't control

20. How did you spend Christmas?
We were snowed in with a blizzard, so we spent the entire day at home...Anthony, Eoin, Reagan, my mom and I...it was so nice. We opened gifts in the morning, then had some snacks and appetizers, followed later by an impromptu Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. I even learned how to make a proper Irish Roasted Potato.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Anthony :X

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Yes...with Reagan! And my love for Anthony and Eoin continues to grow deeper with each passing year. Adding to our family only increased my love for all of them.

23. How many one-night stands?
Sorry, there's only one man for me. And he's married. To me.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, American Idol, and Gavin and Stacey

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
nope

26. What was the best book you read?
"The Next Thing on My List" by Jill Smolinski

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Jack's Big Music Show?

28. What did you want and get?
a Sonicare toothbrush!

29. What did you want and not get?
paid maternity leave, and a size 6 figure.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Julie and Julia

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 39, and I was 38 weeks pregnant. I was contracting every 5 minutes, so I got all excited. Mom, Anthony, Eoin and I went out to eat dinner at Chili's...for one last hurrah before I went in to the hospital. But alas...as I sat there eating dinner, the contractions stopped, and my dreams of a shared birthday with my daughter were dashed.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If our money situation hadn't been so tight.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Stretched out, faded maternity clothes and other assorted clothes that don't fit right anymore.

34. What kept you sane?
My girlfriends. I have some very great friends who I know are praying for me, lifting me up, and holding me accountable.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
"bail outs" and healthcare reform; the devaluing of the dollar

36. Who did you miss?
my dad...every day.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Reagan, obviously.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
I'm not always right, even when I think I am.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink"--The Beatles

Going MIA

2009-12-28T11:54:00.002-06:00

I am having some ongoing problems with this laptop, and the warranty expires TOMORROW...so I have to send it in to Gateway to be repaired. I'm so sad. I'll be without a computer for 7-10 business days, so they say. I'll still be able to check in from my cellphone, but you won't see me posting much if at all, because it's really really hard to post from there. I might try to get on from my mom's when i can, but that might be spotty at best.

Happy New Year...I'll see ya in 2010.

Mushroom Risotto...it's what's for dinner!

2009-12-27T07:38:00.004-06:00

In my vain attempt to be inspired by The Pioneer Woman, here's my silly little step by step chronicle honoring the beautiful magic that is risotto! If you've never made risotto, you are really missing out. It can be a little daunting at first, and requires the utmost in patience and preparation time...but the creamy delicious goodness is *so* worth the effort.

Two onions. Dice 'em and cook until they start to brown. Add a clove of garlic and continue to sautee.

You don't want to add the garlic until your onions are mostly browned...garlic burns very easily, and burned garlic gets no love.

Throw in some finely chopped celery. My recipe calls for 1 TBS. Obviously, I think that is merely a suggestion. On a side note, if you are cooking with celery, always include the leafy parts. Lots of flavor and pretty color in those tender little shoots.

Mushrooms! I used sliced baby bellas last night...yummmmmm!

Cook them 'til they're all brown and delicious like this, and then...

...add some white wine to de-glaze the pan! This step gives a very satisfying SIZZLE!

Pour in some evaporated milk. Or you can use heavy cream or half-and-half if you're so inclined. I never have cream or half-and-half on hand because it spoils before I can use up a container...but I always keep evaporated milk in my cupboard and it works GREAT in place of milk in recipes that need a heavy, creamy sauce.

The star of the show. One cup of Aborio rice. This is very important...if you're making risotto, you MUST use Aborio rice. It's different than any other type of regular rice. It cooks very slowly, and as it cooks, it gives off this amazing starchiness that makes risotto, well...risotto.

Vegetable broth. Unbelievably, you will stir in somewhere between 4 and 5 cups of the stuff during the next 45 minutes or so!

Go ahead. Stir in just a little bit. I add it by about 1/2 cup at a time. Stir it in, and let it simmer on medium low, stirring often. This is really the key....stir often. The stirring is what helps to break down the Aborio rice.

At this point, you might want to pull up a stool, pour yourself some eggnog, and watch "Gavin and Stacey" on your laptop. Or maybe that's just me. More industrious women might take this opportunity to clean up their kitchens. Not me. I boldly left that mess for this morning. :)

Keep on adding broth, 1/2 cup at a time, stirring until it's pretty much absorbed before you add more broth.

Can you see it? Here's the magic! The rice is really starting to get creamy now!

Add in some parmesan cheese and a couple tablespoons of real butter--somehow I forgot to take a picture of this step--and stir it all around, trying not to drool directly into the pan.

The finished product! Oh my! I would have put it in a pretty serving dish for your viewing pleasure, but I have to put it back on the stovetop this afternoon and warm it all up for our family Christmas dinner. If you give me a call early enough, maybe we'll save you some. ;)

Of course, I can not cook, write or take photographs like the pioneer woman...that is why she is jaunting across the country on a fabulous book tour, and I'm sitting on my couch in my jammies while my two little ones play at my feet. It's a welcome trade.

Zephaniah 3:17

2009-12-16T00:51:00.004-06:00

"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."--Zephaniah 3:17

I was thinking tonight about how much I have learned about the nature and character of God since I became a mom. So many times since I have had children, the Lord has spoken a soft word to me about His love during the day-to-day stuff of being a parent. Tonight, I was lying in bed with Eoin, as I was putting him down to sleep, and I was holding him in my arms and singing songs to him, as we do every single night, when the Lord reminded me of this scripture.

I started thinking about singing, and what it means. I was struck by the fact that every mom sings to her babies. It's one of the most intimate and tender things that we can do. It comforts my children to hear my voice; it helps them to relax and drift off to sleep, knowing that everything is OK, and Momma is right here with them. Sometimes I sing songs to them to teach them things that I want them to know. Sometimes our songs are full of laughter and dancing. Other times, I sing songs that I have made up just for them. Still other times, the singing is just more of a contented hum...an outward expression of tenderness and love between mother and child.

How touching to think that, as much as I love my children, the Lord loves me even more. He sings over me! He takes delight in me! Imagine that. The way that I delight in my own children--the way I speak of them with bursting pride--He feels even more towards me. It's not because of anything I've done to earn it. There's nothing I could ever do to change it. He just loves me because I'm his child.

It's a thought so simple, yet so profound.

Thank you, Lord, for showing me just how much you love me. Thank you for your plan for setting us in families and making us into parents, so that we can understand you just a little more.

2009-12-13T15:40:00.002-06:00

These are a bit delayed, I'll admit, but here are some pics of Eoin last Wednesday, as he enjoyed the first *real* snowfall of the year. He was so excited all day for the snow, but I told him he had to wait until his Daddy got home to take him outside, as there was no way I was going out there in the cold, cold wind with the baby. When Anthony got home, he didn't even make it inside the door until Eoin was begging him, "Daddy take me outsiiiiide in the snoooooooow!" It was so cold though...so no good for building a snowman. I can hardly wait to do that for the first time with Eoin...he's gonna love it!

Poo-Free update...Day 14

2009-12-10T08:00:00.002-06:00

Here I am, two weeks since I last shampooed my hair.

Yesterday, I was ready to chuck the whole idea. I was seriously tempted to use shampoo in the shower, but..I have made a commitment to keep at this for a month, so I didn't. Yesterday, my scalp was feeling a little itchy, and I just really felt like I needed a wash. I didn't actually make it into the shower until about 2pm (LOL), but *after* I washed...I don't know. Something went wrong. My hair felt heavy and greasy and worse than before I showered! I didn't have much time to investigate, because I had to get to work, so I just blow-dried it and went on in. As the day went on, however, my hair started to look a little better, and actually, last night I went to play Bunko with some friends, and received compliments on how good my hair looked! People especially commented on how healthy and shiny it was. I actually was able to share with them what I've been doing, and they seemed intrigued instead of repulsed, so it must have been looking ok! :)

This morning, my hair feels nice and soft again, with tons of body and shine. In retrospect, I think maybe I used too much apple cider vinegar in my rinse yesterday. I guess it is possible to have too much of a good thing. I will say, however, that when I got out of the shower, my hair was completely tangle free. This is a major improvement for me, as it's usually a knotted mess. But yesterday, I was able to comb through my wet hair with Anthony's fine-tooth man-comb, with only minimal hair loss.

So, I'm still on the wagon. My month-long experiment will end at Christmas, and by then I will either be a true believer, or I'll be headed back to the Shampoo aisle. I'll keep you posted.

Eoin singing the ABC song

2009-12-08T21:40:00.004-06:00

We had so much fun at dinnertime! Eoin was singing the ABC's song for me...so cute! Here's a little series of videos that I took trying to actually capture the *entire* song, but, seriously...it's not easy taking good video of a two year old!

It's so fun seeing how much he is blossoming and growing! Every day, he surprises us with the things he knows and the things he says. I'm loving this age!

Eggs and a Mother's love

2009-12-08T21:05:00.003-06:00

It's funny how the smallest, most insignificant things can trigger a memory. This morning, I had one of those moments as I was standing in my kitchen and cracking an egg. I don't know why, exactly, but poached eggs have always been a comfort food for me. When I was a child, my mom would make them for me on days when we had a few extra minutes to get ready and have breakfast in the mornings. They are kind of labor-intensive, and to this day, my mom makes the *best* poached eggs in the world! She always served two eggs, with cooked whites and runny yolks, and two pieces of toast, buttered and torn into little pieces.

Several years ago, I was working out of town in Salisbury, Maryland, when I was injured in a very bad car accident. This morning, I was reminded of the fact that when my mom came out to Maryland to take care of me and pick me up and bring me home, she made me some poached eggs. They were wonderful. What I really was remembering this morning, though, was the emotion tied to that time. I was in bad shape. I had only recently gotten divorced from my ex-husband, I no longer owned a home, I was injured and alone far, far from home. I had hydroplaned in a bad thunderstorm, and crashed my car into a telephone pole on the way to work one Monday morning. I was life flighted from the scene of the accident in a rural part of Maryland back to the hospital in Salisbury. I was bruised and beaten up, I had a concussion, tons of stitches, and a broken shoulder. To this day, I'm not sure why the hospital sent me home all alone...I couldn't take care of myself at all. I even needed help getting to the bathroom. But thankfully, God protected me in that crash, as I could have been injured much more badly than I was. When I went back to my car a few days later to gather my personal belongings, I was shocked that anyone could be in a car that mangled and survive.

What I remembered this morning, however, was the overwhelming sense of relief and well-being that I felt when my Mom arrived the following afternoon. I was so afraid...but once I saw her walking through the door to my apartment, I knew that everything was finally going to be OK. Mom was wonderful. She cooked for me. She helped me to bathe and wash the blood out of my hair. She helped me dress and go to the bathroom. She helped me to tie up loose ends at work (including writing patient notes for me as I dictated, since my right arm was out of commission), and then she packed up all of my belongings into a rental car and drove me and my big dog, Sheba back home to Kansas City.

I never really learned to poach an egg, but this morning, I was struck by the fact that I now have the awesome privilege of being someone's MOM. There are now two people in the world who will feel that same sense of well-being whenever I am with them. How awesome is that? With God's help, I pray that I am able to be half the mom to my own kids as my mom was to me. I had a wonderful example, and I am forever grateful.

Hehehe

2009-12-07T21:05:00.002-06:00

And so let this be a lesson to you, my dear sweet Mommies everywhere: leaving your two-year-old unsupervised with markers is never a good idea! Even if you are nursing your baby in the sling *AND* cooking lunch at the same time...still not a good idea. :)

My Great Hair Experiment

2009-12-07T10:23:00.000-06:00

I've stopped washing my hair.

Ok, not completely. Don't freak out. But, I've decided to go Poo-Free! I originally read about this years ago on BabySlime's LiveJournal when I used to follow her (I should really pick up her journal again...wonder if she is still writing? It was wonderful!). Anyway, I was intrigued, but always afraid. How could it be possible to go without shampoo? Wouldn't my hair be a giant, limp, greasy mess?So I pretty much decided that the poo-free method was best left to the Birkenstock and prairie skirt set, right up there with white chick dreadlocks and patchouli.

But I have discovered after giving birth to Reagan, that this post-partum hair loss has really gone into overdrive. My hair had been looking downright terrible. Not even a good, shorter cut and highlights were doing the trick. The back of my head literally had bald spots showing through. NOT cool. So during a conversation on Thanksgiving with my friend Sarah and her family, I was reminded of what I had read all those years ago, and I decided to give it a try.

I'm currently on day 11. The last time I used shampoo on my hair was Thanksgiving day. I've decided to give it a month and see how it goes, and you, my dear readers, are going to go along for the ride. I might even get organized enough to take some pictures along the way. maybe.

Let me just clarify...I didn't jump right in to the full system. First, I decided to try just washing my hair with conditioner, skipping the shampoo step. That was...OK. My hair looked ok on the first day, but by day two, it was starting to look pretty greasy and heavy. So the next time, I decided to go ahead and use a little baking soda to wash my hair. I just grabbed a couple teaspoons of baking soda and scrubbed and rubbed it into my scalp, then rinsed it through the ends. I was still a little nervous, though, so I followed this scrub with a conditioner rinse.

The results were definitely noticeable...I got several compliments on my hair in the next couple of days. People weren't sure what was different, but several folks asked if I got a new haircut or what was different. I didn't tell them, for fear that they'd think I was weird. :) What I didn't like about this method, however, was that I found my hair had TONS of static. It was sticking to my face all day long, no matter what I tried to do to tame it, and eventually, I had to pull it back into a ponytail.

Finally, yesterday, I decided to make the full switch. I used baking soda to wash, then rinsed it out, and then followed that with a quick dose of apple cider vinegar and a final cool water rinse. Oh my glorious heavens! What a difference! My hair looks amazing! It is softer, and has more bounce and shine than I've seen since I was a kid! I received several compliments on my hair again yesterday at church...it's really so surprising!

Let me add that I've also been brushing my hair with a boar bristle brush a couple times a day, to help distribute the new-found natural oils. They say you should go easy on this, because the boar bristle is so effective, you could find yourself looking a little dirty. So far though, it seems to be helping. It's hard to explain it, but when I run my hands through my hair, it feels "different". I am noticing that it doesn't feel as dry, and it feels a little more "heavy" on my head. But it doesn't look dirty. AT ALL. This, as my other mommy-friends can attest, is a HUGE plus, especially on those days when you just can't fit a shower into the schedule.

My hair has never been anything special. I'm blessed with very dry, very baby-fine hair. It's pretty much stick-straight, with no volume whatsoever. And sans-highlights, it's a lovely shade of dishwater blah. The Poo-Free proponents claim that the first few days or weeks, your hair goes through a bit of a "detox" period when you're coming off of shampoo...and that after that, you may be surprised with a whole new texture or tons more volume or even a slightly lighter hair color. I can't wait to see!

A couple things...

2009-12-07T08:44:00.001-06:00

First, see that cute little banner at the top? The one with my most "recent" photo stream from my PicasaWeb Album? It's obviously been a while. Everyone warns you when you're pregnant with your second child that you really won't have any free time again. Ever. And you know what? They're right. Anyway, I used up all of the free storage space a long time ago, and since deciding to start this blog I figured that I should go ahead and upgrade. Last night. But as of now, they've still not credited my account. So hang tight. I *do* actually have some pictures of Reagan, and I'll share them as soon as good ol' Google will let me. :)

Secondly, I'd like to be able to follow your blog, too, so why don't ya leave me a comment here and I'll add you!

Back to the blog...

2009-12-07T07:33:00.000-06:00

So I've been thinking for a while of starting up a blog again. A few years ago, I used to keep up with my old LiveJournal, but then I discovered facebook, which seemed a little more manageable to me during the early days when I was adjusting to motherhood. But now, I've found myself with the urge to say a little more than I can express with a simple status update..and here I am. (By the way, I just took a look at the old LiveJournal page, and the formatting is all shot to h-e-double-hockey-sticks! I guess that's what happens when you abandon it for over a year.)

So what will this blog be about, anyway? I don't know that I can say at this point. Mainly, you can expect to read musings from my daily life as a wife, a mom of two wonderful children, with some dashes of politics and religion thrown in just to keep it interesting. ;) I plan to write about what I'm thinking, and well, if you'd like to read along, I'd sure enjoy having you.

I suspect that most of you will be, at first, friends from other chapters of my life, and I'm looking forward to some renewed conversations with you, as well as maybe getting to know a few new friends along the way. So let's get this started, shall we?